Time to Be Brave

I don't want to write this post. Not at all. But I've always processed things in life better when I can get my thoughts out of my head and work through all the words and feelings with the rhythmic tapping of the keyboard. This is my therapy. It's free and mine to keep.

On Monday night, March 12, I found a lump in my breast. I was a couple days late doing my monthly self exam, so on a whim while in the bathroom, I did it. And felt this pea sized lump on the left size. It's close to the armpit, and nothing I was familiar with feeling.

We'd been catching up on Flash episodes, so Sean was on the couch, where I plopped down next to him and promptly lost it. A year an nine months ago, I emerged from the bathroom with tears in my eyes and a positive pregnancy test in my hand. That night, I emerged with tears and a new feeling of fear and dread that I've never experienced before.

Gosh, she's very dramatic. 

Yes, I majored in theater.

Every bit of my being has been telling me that there is nothing to worry about until there is something to worry about. I felt stupid for not having regular yearly checkups, but smart for remembering to do a self-exam at home each month. I felt stupid for letting my health get so bad the past few years, but proud of what my body has done in recent years. Namely, birthed and fed two babies.

I called and made a doctor's appointment, and played the waiting game. I avoided Dr. Google because that would be pointless and just add to my anxiety.

In the meantime, the world has seemed to be poking me. My favorite show that is kind of indulgent but has so much heart had a main character diagnosed with breast cancer. I got in the car and a song about being brave is on the radio. I see a beautiful friend share on Facebook that she finished her last round of radiation.

I had my appointment today, and it was very preliminary. My doctor felt my lump and we discussed my health. I have an appointment for April 3 for a lateral mammogram and diagnostic ultrasound. She mentioned something about the lump moving around (seemingly not attached to anything) and possible fibroid. But as of right now, there are no answers, just steps to take to figure out if this lump is just a pest taking up valuable breast real estate, or something to really worry about.

So today, I'm just me. No diagnosis. In between possibly being fine and possibly not. I have had some very hard moments in the past 10 days. I've had moments where my mind goes to places I hoped it would never have to go. I've held my babies extra long as they fall asleep, listening to soft piano lullabies and smelling the tops of their heads. I've thought about 6 months, 1 year, 5 years and 30 years from now, wondering if this'll just be a blip on my health history or a major mountain.

It's hard not to think about all the possible outcomes.

I'm trying to protect my sanity right now, because like I said, you cannot worry about something until there's something to worry about.

But damn it, I'm scared. I don't want this. I pray "The Big C" is not what's ahead of me.

I have too much to live for. Too much love and beauty and things to do.

So in the meantime, while we wait to take the steps and get answers, I will love. And see the beauty. And smell the tops of heads. And get shit done.

This post was written on Friday March 23, 2018. 

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I Miss Writing

I Googled "free blogging platforms" because it's been a while since I really wrote a personal blog and I honestly had no idea what was available anymore. And oh, hey! Was gently reminded that I already had one.

So here I am.

I miss writing. I have spent a lot of time on photography (and semi-regularly blogging for my photography) running my Etsy shop, focusing on Instagram growth, all that super exciting sounding stuff...But when it comes to writing for myself, with no goal other than to sort through my own head and heart, I fell off the wagon.

This year has been rough. And I need this outlet back in my life. I've always turned to writing to help deal with life and work through difficult times and celebrate the joys.

So I'm taking a deep breath, blowing the dust off this old blog, and cracking it open to see what may be found inside.

Lifestyle Changes // 01

I did my first walk/jog last night on the treadmill. I did 25 minutes, and I felt like it wasn't enough, which is the first hurdle I really need to get over. Rather than thinking "it's not enough", I need to think "I am doing something". Each little step will bring me closer to making good changes and living a healthier, more active life.

I've fallen into a bit of a lazy parenting rut with L. I know toddlers are picky, difficult eaters, but I know I can try different things to try to get her to eat a wider variety of foods. I've just been lazy. I cave and give her the same thing that I know she'll eat. So small goal this week is to make a batch of zucchini bread or muffins. She likes toast, so maybe a slice of zucchini bread can be a gateway to get some new flavors going. She also won't eat fruit anymore. She used to eat bananas, apples and blueberries like a champ. Now, not so much. So maybe I can make some banana/blueberry bread and sub in apple sauce instead of butter.

The biggest challenge I face personally is food choices. I don't eat terrible all the time, but I am definitely an emotional eater, and I'm an overeater. And a boredom eater. And a "hey it's rainy/dark/gloomy/cold out so I just want to eat a lot of carbs" eater. I'm trying to think of little things I can do instead of eating to feel better.

Drink water or a cup of tea.
Write (here or in journal)
Color (this coloring book for adults looks fun)
Clean
Dance to this song
Or this one
Go for a walk/run

It's hard to tell how and why these bad habits formed. I don't remember at what point I started eating anything and everything like every meal is an all-you-can-eat buffet. I have the best intentions to eat light and stop when I am satisfied, and it's like it all goes out the door when it comes time to make a decision about what to eat. And I don't even stop to think I might be full. I think it's partly eating when I'm distracted by tv or the computer or in the car. I think it's also waiting until I'm ravenous and then grabbing whatever looks or sounds delicious.

I know I need to be better prepared. When I'm making a meal plan for the week, I am more apt to stick to that than flying by the seat of my pants. I also tend to overthink things. Meals don't need to be complicated. They also don't have to be typical. I tend to get in the mindset of breakfast should consist of x, y, and z and lunch should be a sandwich with a bag of chips and diet coke.

I have a lot of old habits to work through and shed. I know it'll take time, but the first step is shouting from the rooftops that last night I got off my ass and moved my feet and it didn't kill me, which is good, because I want to be around for as long as possible with this little one. 

The Problem With Making Lists

You don't have to look far these days to find lists of 10 ways to raise a strong daughter, 10 things to teach your daughter, 50 things to experience with your daughter before she's 10, 10 things to teach your daughter about her body and dating...

It's becoming a bit overkill.

And the problem with so many lists, is if I spend so much time working on checking off individual things on this list, I might miss out on the glorious things that happen in life when you're not making any plans.

I want my girl to be nice and kind and brave.

I want her to be adventurous but also aware and cautious.

I want her to know she can come to me if she's scared or nervous or curious and I'll respect her feelings.

I want her to do everything and anything that forms her into the person she'll become.

But more than any list, I want to be present for her, and that means getting my ass of this post and doing a bit of coloring. If I devoted less time to reading lists on Pinterest and the HuffPo, and more time to getting on the floor and helping put Elsa's shoes on her little doll feet for the billionth time, I'm already doing what the lists call for, and then some.

Because this face doesn't give a crap about how many items her mommy checks off a list. She just wants me to look at her, see her joy and share that moment of awesome headscarf-wearing cuteness. It'll only last a couple seconds before she's onto the next thing, and it's up to me to be smart enough not to miss it.

Keeping it in Perspective

Today, an old childhood friend's husband is having his leg amputated to fight an aggressive cancer in his body.

They have 3 kids under the age of 2.5.

Another friend is facing uncertainty with her own breast cancer battle and awaiting news about her ovaries. Her son is almost 3.

A coworker's wife is battling advanced lung cancer, just a couple years after he himself fought off lymphoma.

People are dealing with some really tough stuff, daily. Everyone has shit going on in their lives. We're all a mess. Some are messier than others, that's the way of the world.

But, if the worst thing I'm dealing with today is cramps and needing to make a fresh pot of coffee to get through the rest of the afternoon, I'm doing just fine.

I'm praying for these people, and everyone dealing with tough stuff. I'm praying that they can find a little peace and comfort in their day. These things don't just happen and life shuts down. They're still attending work, taking care of their families and homes, all while going in and out of the hospital and appointments and having to emotionally process it all.

So I'll give them every ounce of prayerful courage, strength and support I can muster.

The Importance of Communicating

The other night, we were sitting having dinner, and S told me something. And he started with "I know you're going to take this the wrong way, but..." and then he said his piece. And it hurt. And I went numb, because it hurt and I wanted to yell. But L was sitting there eating her meatballs and I didn't want to risk distracting her from actually eating, because she is 2 and to my knowledge and experience, 2-year-olds don't actually eat nutritious food.

It took me a while to gather my thoughts. We were uncomfortably silent. I didn't want to say the wrong thing, but I knew I had something to say. Finally, he said "Please say something." So I said what I was thinking. It sucked and felt messy and awkward. Even after we went back and forth and better understood each other, I still felt hurt.

I hate fighting, disagreement, confrontation...I grew up in a "sweep it under the rug" family. We didn't know how to fight fair, so we'd internalize our thoughts or fears or anger. It wasn't a healthy way of living, especially when those thoughts or fears or anger became so overwhelming that one of us would just burst.

Families & marriage can be messy.

S and I have been together 12 years as of this weekend. We got together when we were kids. We lived long distance for the first four years while we were away at college. When I moved to CT, we broke up. We couldn't handle being confronted with real problems and trying to work them out. We just crumbled. Over time and some long days and nights of learning how to just simply talk, and more importantly, listen, we realized that we do love each other, we just didn't know how to communicate well.

Communication is a hard learning process to learn. It requires trust, empathy, vulnerability, and a whole lot of other feelings and skills. And it doesn't come naturally to everyone, which I think is why a lot of people prefer to just bury their head in the sand, which as I've learned, doesn't make the problem go away. It's the equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears, closing your eyes and yelling "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOUUUU!!"

I'm constantly reminded that even the seemingly healthiest, happiest relationships and families have messes. It doesn't mean they're damaged or broken. What's that Pink song? "We're not broken, just bent."

We're all a little bent, crooked, dinged up and bandaged together. But in our marriage prep retreat, the thing that stuck with me was what one of the retreat leaders said, and that is that there will be days where we just don't like each other. We'll be mad, or annoyed, or just want our own space. We'll fight, or disagree or get pissy. But despite those moments/hours/days of not liking each other, marriage is waking up each day and making the decision to love that person. Deciding that even when confronted with tough, messy stuff, you love them, and will go through the discomfort of working through the bad feelings. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to feel uncomfortable, might feel like it's tearing you apart, but is really creating an opening to allow love and grace to pour in, and hopefully hold you together even stronger than before.

September 7, 2014 Lenox, MA

Finding Grace in Choosing to Die

There's been a lot of news this week about a 29 year old woman's choice to die on her own terms instead of waiting for her brain cancer to cause her pain, suffering and ultimately kill her.

I've been thinking a lot about her choice, for which I have the utmost respect. I do not know what I would do if I were in her shoes. I pray I never need to make that type of decision.


Death is not a fun topic to discuss. Even S and I haven't drawn up our wills, not because it's not important - it is - but it makes us sad to think about dying and who and what we'll someday (hopefully a long, long, long time from now) leave behind. So we put it off. We sweep those sad thoughts under the rug. At some point, we'll be confronted with needing to clearly lay out our wishes for when we die. I don't look forward to that day, but it will happen.

Now this young woman was told she will die. And her death will not be without pain and suffering, which she is already experiencing. And she's scared. And she's sad. But she has the ability to choose to end her life and not experience as much pain and suffering. She is choosing to live the days she knows she has left, and when she's ready, she will die.

I do not think she is selfish. I do not think she is committing a crime. She said herself that she's not suicidal, and she doesn't want to die, but she is in fact dying, so she is making the decision to die on her own terms.

It's not anyone's job to try to change her mind, or tell her she's wrong. It's our job to support her, pray for her and her family to feel peace and heal their hearts that are no doubt hurting immensely in the days ahead. I imagine there is some feeling of peace and grace when one comes to a decision like this, and from there, the gift of freedom, to spend your days doing whatever the heck you want, loving your family and friends and finding strength and fortitude in a time when your body is becoming weaker and weaker.

I read another article this week about a piano teacher who was entering hospice care, and how she chose to spend her last days. What comforts me about the thought of dying is that life seems to become simple and clear. No more worries or fear of the unknown, just giving as much love as you can before you're on to the next thing, whatever that is.

So when confronted with the thought of death, and leaving this world and the people we love and care about, how can we infuse that grace and fortitude into how we spend our days right now? Most of us don't know when we'll die. The only certainty is that at this moment, we're here.

And we have the choice of how we decide to live.

Taken the morning of July 4, 2010 in Split Croatia.