Lifestyle Changes // 01

I did my first walk/jog last night on the treadmill. I did 25 minutes, and I felt like it wasn't enough, which is the first hurdle I really need to get over. Rather than thinking "it's not enough", I need to think "I am doing something". Each little step will bring me closer to making good changes and living a healthier, more active life.

I've fallen into a bit of a lazy parenting rut with L. I know toddlers are picky, difficult eaters, but I know I can try different things to try to get her to eat a wider variety of foods. I've just been lazy. I cave and give her the same thing that I know she'll eat. So small goal this week is to make a batch of zucchini bread or muffins. She likes toast, so maybe a slice of zucchini bread can be a gateway to get some new flavors going. She also won't eat fruit anymore. She used to eat bananas, apples and blueberries like a champ. Now, not so much. So maybe I can make some banana/blueberry bread and sub in apple sauce instead of butter.

The biggest challenge I face personally is food choices. I don't eat terrible all the time, but I am definitely an emotional eater, and I'm an overeater. And a boredom eater. And a "hey it's rainy/dark/gloomy/cold out so I just want to eat a lot of carbs" eater. I'm trying to think of little things I can do instead of eating to feel better.

Drink water or a cup of tea.
Write (here or in journal)
Color (this coloring book for adults looks fun)
Clean
Dance to this song
Or this one
Go for a walk/run

It's hard to tell how and why these bad habits formed. I don't remember at what point I started eating anything and everything like every meal is an all-you-can-eat buffet. I have the best intentions to eat light and stop when I am satisfied, and it's like it all goes out the door when it comes time to make a decision about what to eat. And I don't even stop to think I might be full. I think it's partly eating when I'm distracted by tv or the computer or in the car. I think it's also waiting until I'm ravenous and then grabbing whatever looks or sounds delicious.

I know I need to be better prepared. When I'm making a meal plan for the week, I am more apt to stick to that than flying by the seat of my pants. I also tend to overthink things. Meals don't need to be complicated. They also don't have to be typical. I tend to get in the mindset of breakfast should consist of x, y, and z and lunch should be a sandwich with a bag of chips and diet coke.

I have a lot of old habits to work through and shed. I know it'll take time, but the first step is shouting from the rooftops that last night I got off my ass and moved my feet and it didn't kill me, which is good, because I want to be around for as long as possible with this little one. 

The Problem With Making Lists

You don't have to look far these days to find lists of 10 ways to raise a strong daughter, 10 things to teach your daughter, 50 things to experience with your daughter before she's 10, 10 things to teach your daughter about her body and dating...

It's becoming a bit overkill.

And the problem with so many lists, is if I spend so much time working on checking off individual things on this list, I might miss out on the glorious things that happen in life when you're not making any plans.

I want my girl to be nice and kind and brave.

I want her to be adventurous but also aware and cautious.

I want her to know she can come to me if she's scared or nervous or curious and I'll respect her feelings.

I want her to do everything and anything that forms her into the person she'll become.

But more than any list, I want to be present for her, and that means getting my ass of this post and doing a bit of coloring. If I devoted less time to reading lists on Pinterest and the HuffPo, and more time to getting on the floor and helping put Elsa's shoes on her little doll feet for the billionth time, I'm already doing what the lists call for, and then some.

Because this face doesn't give a crap about how many items her mommy checks off a list. She just wants me to look at her, see her joy and share that moment of awesome headscarf-wearing cuteness. It'll only last a couple seconds before she's onto the next thing, and it's up to me to be smart enough not to miss it.

Keeping it in Perspective

Today, an old childhood friend's husband is having his leg amputated to fight an aggressive cancer in his body.

They have 3 kids under the age of 2.5.

Another friend is facing uncertainty with her own breast cancer battle and awaiting news about her ovaries. Her son is almost 3.

A coworker's wife is battling advanced lung cancer, just a couple years after he himself fought off lymphoma.

People are dealing with some really tough stuff, daily. Everyone has shit going on in their lives. We're all a mess. Some are messier than others, that's the way of the world.

But, if the worst thing I'm dealing with today is cramps and needing to make a fresh pot of coffee to get through the rest of the afternoon, I'm doing just fine.

I'm praying for these people, and everyone dealing with tough stuff. I'm praying that they can find a little peace and comfort in their day. These things don't just happen and life shuts down. They're still attending work, taking care of their families and homes, all while going in and out of the hospital and appointments and having to emotionally process it all.

So I'll give them every ounce of prayerful courage, strength and support I can muster.

The Importance of Communicating

The other night, we were sitting having dinner, and S told me something. And he started with "I know you're going to take this the wrong way, but..." and then he said his piece. And it hurt. And I went numb, because it hurt and I wanted to yell. But L was sitting there eating her meatballs and I didn't want to risk distracting her from actually eating, because she is 2 and to my knowledge and experience, 2-year-olds don't actually eat nutritious food.

It took me a while to gather my thoughts. We were uncomfortably silent. I didn't want to say the wrong thing, but I knew I had something to say. Finally, he said "Please say something." So I said what I was thinking. It sucked and felt messy and awkward. Even after we went back and forth and better understood each other, I still felt hurt.

I hate fighting, disagreement, confrontation...I grew up in a "sweep it under the rug" family. We didn't know how to fight fair, so we'd internalize our thoughts or fears or anger. It wasn't a healthy way of living, especially when those thoughts or fears or anger became so overwhelming that one of us would just burst.

Families & marriage can be messy.

S and I have been together 12 years as of this weekend. We got together when we were kids. We lived long distance for the first four years while we were away at college. When I moved to CT, we broke up. We couldn't handle being confronted with real problems and trying to work them out. We just crumbled. Over time and some long days and nights of learning how to just simply talk, and more importantly, listen, we realized that we do love each other, we just didn't know how to communicate well.

Communication is a hard learning process to learn. It requires trust, empathy, vulnerability, and a whole lot of other feelings and skills. And it doesn't come naturally to everyone, which I think is why a lot of people prefer to just bury their head in the sand, which as I've learned, doesn't make the problem go away. It's the equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears, closing your eyes and yelling "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOUUUU!!"

I'm constantly reminded that even the seemingly healthiest, happiest relationships and families have messes. It doesn't mean they're damaged or broken. What's that Pink song? "We're not broken, just bent."

We're all a little bent, crooked, dinged up and bandaged together. But in our marriage prep retreat, the thing that stuck with me was what one of the retreat leaders said, and that is that there will be days where we just don't like each other. We'll be mad, or annoyed, or just want our own space. We'll fight, or disagree or get pissy. But despite those moments/hours/days of not liking each other, marriage is waking up each day and making the decision to love that person. Deciding that even when confronted with tough, messy stuff, you love them, and will go through the discomfort of working through the bad feelings. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to feel uncomfortable, might feel like it's tearing you apart, but is really creating an opening to allow love and grace to pour in, and hopefully hold you together even stronger than before.

September 7, 2014 Lenox, MA

Finding Grace in Choosing to Die

There's been a lot of news this week about a 29 year old woman's choice to die on her own terms instead of waiting for her brain cancer to cause her pain, suffering and ultimately kill her.

I've been thinking a lot about her choice, for which I have the utmost respect. I do not know what I would do if I were in her shoes. I pray I never need to make that type of decision.


Death is not a fun topic to discuss. Even S and I haven't drawn up our wills, not because it's not important - it is - but it makes us sad to think about dying and who and what we'll someday (hopefully a long, long, long time from now) leave behind. So we put it off. We sweep those sad thoughts under the rug. At some point, we'll be confronted with needing to clearly lay out our wishes for when we die. I don't look forward to that day, but it will happen.

Now this young woman was told she will die. And her death will not be without pain and suffering, which she is already experiencing. And she's scared. And she's sad. But she has the ability to choose to end her life and not experience as much pain and suffering. She is choosing to live the days she knows she has left, and when she's ready, she will die.

I do not think she is selfish. I do not think she is committing a crime. She said herself that she's not suicidal, and she doesn't want to die, but she is in fact dying, so she is making the decision to die on her own terms.

It's not anyone's job to try to change her mind, or tell her she's wrong. It's our job to support her, pray for her and her family to feel peace and heal their hearts that are no doubt hurting immensely in the days ahead. I imagine there is some feeling of peace and grace when one comes to a decision like this, and from there, the gift of freedom, to spend your days doing whatever the heck you want, loving your family and friends and finding strength and fortitude in a time when your body is becoming weaker and weaker.

I read another article this week about a piano teacher who was entering hospice care, and how she chose to spend her last days. What comforts me about the thought of dying is that life seems to become simple and clear. No more worries or fear of the unknown, just giving as much love as you can before you're on to the next thing, whatever that is.

So when confronted with the thought of death, and leaving this world and the people we love and care about, how can we infuse that grace and fortitude into how we spend our days right now? Most of us don't know when we'll die. The only certainty is that at this moment, we're here.

And we have the choice of how we decide to live.

Taken the morning of July 4, 2010 in Split Croatia.

When Are You Having Another?

People have started asking, even though it's none of their business. I can't say I blame them. We have a gorgeous, bright toddler, so it would only make sense to make more gorgeous, bright babies.

Except, it's not that easy.

People seem to forget all the factors that go into having kids - physically, financially, mentally. There are so many reasons people don't spit out babies like slot machines (although some people do, and that's totally fine!), and many of those reasons seem to fall on deaf ears.

"We're stretched a bit thin right now, so financially, another baby would be very difficult."
"Oh, don't worry about that, you'll figure it out because you'll have to."

"I want to be in better shape physically for our next one."
"Well, what's the point of waiting if you're just going to re-gain weight anyways in pregnancy?"

"If I were to get pregnant right now, I would be due right in the middle of wedding season, which could set me back in being able to go full time with my business."
"But that's just one year. You have plenty of time to shoot weddings for years after."

"I'm afraid of how taking care of two young kids will affect me. I had a lot of struggles the first few months with L."
"Children are a joy, and there is medication to help you with the struggles."

So here's a confession - a lot of that back and forth is what goes on in my own head. I want another. I truly want at least one more kid, but it seems so much easier to put it off this time around. With L, we just kind of jumped in. It took 10 months of trying, tracking cycles, good timing, delayed ovulation, doctors appointments, and tears to get that positive test. I know women who are still trying to have #1 who started trying before us, and my heart aches for them.

I have been feeling the desire for another. Like, if I got pregnant again tomorrow, I would be so thrilled. We planned a lot with L, trying to make it so my pregnancy wouldn't impact my photography work, so my maternity leave would coincide with having time off for the holidays. But a lot of things were out of our control. And we accepted that as best we could.

Now it seems like we'll never be ready for #2. We'll always have a reason to wait a little longer, and it's fine because we have L. L is amazing and if for any reason we were to not have another kid, I could say that I am satisfied being her mom and will give her my all. Always have and always will.

But that doesn't mean there wouldn't be a part of me, tucked away in some corner of my heart, silently wishing that we'd done it all again.

A lot of my mom friends are having their 2nd babies, or have had them. I'm starting to feel left behind. It's an odd feeling, because I have a daughter, and she's amazing and fills my days. But I'm starting to feel that ache like I had before we tried for L, like I know it's time, but there's something holding us back. Maybe we're holding ourselves back. Or maybe we really do just need to get a little more on our feet financially and physically, living in a more permanent home.

So when someone asks "When are you having another?", all I can really respond with is "Someday, hopefully." It feels so open ended. I could be pregnant again this year. Or in two or five years. Or L might be an only child. I don't know. All I know is I feel a distinct sadness at the thought of not feeling little kicks on the inside ever again, or never introducing L to a tiny little burrito baby and getting to tell her "This is our new baby"... I picture our family table at Thanksgiving and Christmas and I see one or two more faces, kicking L's feet under the table, chasing each other around with excitement on Christmas morning, snoozing on each other's shoulders in the backseat on road trips, and experiencing all the things that siblings go through together.

When are you having another.

Someday, hopefully.

You Are Not Your F***ing Khakis

As if I don't have enough things I want to do, I'm adding closet overhaul to the list.

Simplify, simplify, simplify.

Quality over quantity. 

Get rid of those things I've worn once or never.

Let go of the comfy, ragged sweaters.

Bid adieu to all the shirts with little holes near the belly button.

Say "peace out" to the old pajama pants that are literally falling apart at the seams.

If I'm going to start fresh, it's time to let go of the old, stop lying to myself about waiting until the day I fit into that skirt or those pants. I want to feel good NOW and look good NOW.

Plus, I'm a weirdo that actually enjoys cleaning.

I am trying to find areas where I can do some more cleaning out, and I think I am also going to tackle L's toys. Homegirl has a lot of toys she just doesn't care two poops about.

It's tough because people are SO generous with giving her things, there's a large serving of guilt placed on the idea of getting rid of any given item. I just need to detach from that and remind myself that nothing lasts forever and we are not defined by the things we have.

It feels like I'm going a bit crazy with the get rid of all the things speak, but honestly, I've been feeling overwhelmed lately with knowing how much we have stuffed in baskets, tucked away from our eyes on a daily basis, but still very much there and not doing anything except taking up space.

I mean, how do we accumulate so much? We are not hoarders by any means, but I really do want to raise our family to know that less is more and we can be just as happy with a fraction of the "stuff".

These smiles will always happen,  even if everything in the room around them were to disappear. Our happiness is determined by the time and memories we make together, not the things that surround us.

Making House a Home

I love feeling accomplished. This weekend managed to be the perfect balance of relaxing and productive. And I have sore shoulders to remind me.

We mowed and raked the yard yesterday to prep for falling leaves. L helped me with a small rake, picking up acorns and throwing them into the bushes. She absolutely would not nap yesterday, so at least we were outside getting fresh air and moving around.

We also picked up a secondhand treadmill, which weighs about a billion and a half pounds. We managed to get it into the basement, moved the piano from the living room to our room, the chaise seat from the basement to the living room, and got the treadmill in place. And then I walked a mile on it to see how it ran. I'm pretty excited about this, especially since it's getting very cold now and I can walk in the evening and catch up on my shows or reading like I used to do when I was younger, unmarried and made time to go to the gym.

I shall name her...

Another project I'm really excited about is our bedroom. It has felt like a bit of a dumping zone since moving in June, and I wanted to make it a cozy, beautiful space that we'd enjoy going to bed and waking up in. I spent some time pinning an inspiration board and picked up on some common themes for colors and textures that I like for bedrooms. L and I made a trip to Ikea on Saturday to pick up some things, and it's already making a huge difference.

Before (yes, I know it's super messy and terrible lighting):

After:

Major differences are white sheets, fake plant/pot on bookshelf and pushed bookshelf to corner, added another curtain panel, and new lamps. I also bought some new frames and need to order prints to get those hung over the bed, and the last big project is hanging the fishing net with pictures and momentos on the wall over my bureau. It might end up looking like a disaster. We'll see.

Inspiration

Taken 4 years ago at my friend's wedding, this is one of my favorite photos of us. Posting here as a reminder that I can accomplish what I set my mind to.

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The Gift of Boring

It's my birthday! And it's Friday!

Plans for the day:

Work until 5.
Grab a bottle of wine.
Pick up L.
Go home, feed L and put her to bed.
S is bringing home PF Changs.
Eat dinner and drink wine.
Snuggle on the couch and watch a movie (he does not know we are doing this yet - it's my birthday and I'll do what I want!)
Go to bed.

Doesn't sound too exciting, but I'm good with it. I don't want a party. I don't want to dress up and go out. I just want an easy, relaxing night with my husband at home.

Other weekend plans include a trip to Ikea, decorating my bedroom, doing photo editing and probably watch movies with L. If it's nice out Sunday, I'd like to go to a local orchard, pick out a pumpkin, and eat a cider donut. We might be picking up a treadmill at some point. Then home to watch football and throw something in the crock pot.

I am so excited for a normal weekend!

The thing is, as a photographer, a lot of my weekends are spent running around, with other people's families, and by Sunday I am burnt out. So on the rare occasion I have no plans, it is HEAVENLY to be able to not go anywhere or do anything of importance. Sometimes, boring is the greatest gift you can give me.

via Pinterest.com

Waving the White Flag in the War On Pants

Two years ago, I had a baby. L came into our lives via cesarean and since then, I have not taken care of myself. The age old "You're a mom, you had a baby" is just not an excuse. I have steadily gained back 25 of the 35 pounds I gained while pregnant, and guess what? This time it isn't a baby. It's a destructive cycle of bad eating, overeating, and not enough activity, like, at all.

I thought I could just bury my sadness in elastic waist pants and a jar of Nutella, and while elastic waist pants are cozy and Nutella is yummy, it's time to face myself.

I am fat. Obese. The numbers don't lie, and over the past few months, I've been feeling physically worse and worse. Achy muscles and joints, tired easily, huffing and puffing over activity that should not make me huff nor puff.

It's embarrassing.  I never wanted to be "the fat mommy". And it's not about self-love and acceptance. It's about physically being unhealthy and being scared shitless that I will kill myself from the inside out if I don't change. So I am being brutally honest with myself. I'm taking a good hard look at the photos of myself over the past four years. It's becoming increasingly difficult to see myself in pictures because I genuinely don't like what I see. I'm disgusted. And as a photographer, I feel awful that I want my clients to feel good and look good, yet I can't walk the walk myself.

Last night, I had a bad episode. Without going into detail, I was bawling in bed, in the dark, and S was trying to comfort me. I lost it. I was experiencing physical pain that I know would not be there if I was taking care of myself.

These thoughts went through my mind...Is this rock bottom? Is this the reality check I need to cut the shit and start making changes? God, I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel. How can he look at me and find me attractive and sexy when I've blown up like a blimp in the 5 years we've been married?

So here it is - confession time. I've worn elastic waist pants, skirts and empire waist dresses for two years. I have not bought new pants up a size or two because I haven't found any that fit my increasingly apple-shaped midsection without making my legs look like that were swallowed by a black hole of fabric. I've squeezed myself into my size 14 skinny jeans and wore large flowy tops to hide the XL muffin top.

I'm tired of it. I'm waving the flag. I want to wear real pants again. I want zippers and buttons and a waistline again.

As a vow to myself to be honest, even when it feels brutal, I'm putting it out there.

Today, I'm 215lb. Size 16/18. At 5'5", that's obese. My home scale says my body fat is at 44.7%.

I'm tired of being fat.

I know it won't be easy. Or quick. I know I'll fluctuate. Hell, I've seen my weight fluctuate up to 5lb a day due to water, salt, time of the month...Being a lady ain't easy!

I know what I need to do. I just need to do it! I'm glad to have a place to write out all of this - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Hopefully over time, there will be much more good.

Start today.

31

I'm starting Life of Shazzie on the eve of my 31st birthday. My birthday always feels like a good time to start something, and this year, it's about being authentic. I've written blogs and journals before, including current blogs for my photography and creative business, but I've been feeling the need for a more personal space, where I can write for myself, not an audience.

I miss writing. I miss having a thought and just rolling with it. There are just days I need to get out of my own head, so I'm hoping this will help. It's not a how-to blog, or a themed blog - just me, my words, my experiences - no bullshit.

Some things motivating me right now are:

Get my shit together, stop whining and make a lifestyle overhaul. I'm tired of feeling like garbage, being at war with pants, and not feeling my best.

Feeling stuck in my day job, being somewhat in limbo for the near to distant future.

Needing more "me" time - even 30 minutes a day to do something purely for myself for fun.

Prioritizing my time to spend with close friends and family - life is short and it scares the crap out of me to think I'm missing out on opportunities to spend time with the ones I love.

Taking some creative risks with photography and design work. Do more design projects, and order those damn business cards already!

Spend more time playing with L - step away from the Facebooks and actually play together.

Go on more dates with S - good lord, we need to get out more. I miss dating him.

Learn to say "no" more - too many people take advantage and I need to push back and value myself and my time more.

via

I don't want this to turn into some self-help blog, that's not the point, but rather, I just want to write about whatever comes to mind on any given day.