When Are You Having Another?

People have started asking, even though it's none of their business. I can't say I blame them. We have a gorgeous, bright toddler, so it would only make sense to make more gorgeous, bright babies.

Except, it's not that easy.

People seem to forget all the factors that go into having kids - physically, financially, mentally. There are so many reasons people don't spit out babies like slot machines (although some people do, and that's totally fine!), and many of those reasons seem to fall on deaf ears.

"We're stretched a bit thin right now, so financially, another baby would be very difficult."
"Oh, don't worry about that, you'll figure it out because you'll have to."

"I want to be in better shape physically for our next one."
"Well, what's the point of waiting if you're just going to re-gain weight anyways in pregnancy?"

"If I were to get pregnant right now, I would be due right in the middle of wedding season, which could set me back in being able to go full time with my business."
"But that's just one year. You have plenty of time to shoot weddings for years after."

"I'm afraid of how taking care of two young kids will affect me. I had a lot of struggles the first few months with L."
"Children are a joy, and there is medication to help you with the struggles."

So here's a confession - a lot of that back and forth is what goes on in my own head. I want another. I truly want at least one more kid, but it seems so much easier to put it off this time around. With L, we just kind of jumped in. It took 10 months of trying, tracking cycles, good timing, delayed ovulation, doctors appointments, and tears to get that positive test. I know women who are still trying to have #1 who started trying before us, and my heart aches for them.

I have been feeling the desire for another. Like, if I got pregnant again tomorrow, I would be so thrilled. We planned a lot with L, trying to make it so my pregnancy wouldn't impact my photography work, so my maternity leave would coincide with having time off for the holidays. But a lot of things were out of our control. And we accepted that as best we could.

Now it seems like we'll never be ready for #2. We'll always have a reason to wait a little longer, and it's fine because we have L. L is amazing and if for any reason we were to not have another kid, I could say that I am satisfied being her mom and will give her my all. Always have and always will.

But that doesn't mean there wouldn't be a part of me, tucked away in some corner of my heart, silently wishing that we'd done it all again.

A lot of my mom friends are having their 2nd babies, or have had them. I'm starting to feel left behind. It's an odd feeling, because I have a daughter, and she's amazing and fills my days. But I'm starting to feel that ache like I had before we tried for L, like I know it's time, but there's something holding us back. Maybe we're holding ourselves back. Or maybe we really do just need to get a little more on our feet financially and physically, living in a more permanent home.

So when someone asks "When are you having another?", all I can really respond with is "Someday, hopefully." It feels so open ended. I could be pregnant again this year. Or in two or five years. Or L might be an only child. I don't know. All I know is I feel a distinct sadness at the thought of not feeling little kicks on the inside ever again, or never introducing L to a tiny little burrito baby and getting to tell her "This is our new baby"... I picture our family table at Thanksgiving and Christmas and I see one or two more faces, kicking L's feet under the table, chasing each other around with excitement on Christmas morning, snoozing on each other's shoulders in the backseat on road trips, and experiencing all the things that siblings go through together.

When are you having another.

Someday, hopefully.